Ruchika Pandya

I ain't so weak.
I ain't need to go back to someone who clearly lied.
For no reason stands tall enough to make a lie, a betrayal, reasonable.
I need you for life maybe, But I need you with honesty.
A man who falls in the trap of lies,
a man who knows your weaknesses right
a man who excels at taking the true resort to tricks,
can improve, can become truthful, if he wills to,
but is still sitting at the cusp of deceit at all times.
I ain't meant to deserve deceit.
He may or may not be true again,
but the benefit of the doubt belongs to the true heart.
It comes not with hidden motives.
Its man who makes mistakes.
Its a stronger man to own them up,
and these thoughts haven't ever been strangers to me.
Yet how can giving chances to a man,
whose entire foundation lies on mistakes be reasoned and expected?
A man whose every effort,
knowingly or unknowingly, goes for wrong,
cannot hold the torch for me.
I ain't that blind.
Sometimes, more than him,
I try to explain myself his mistakes.
Why? I ain't that foolish.
His mistakes may be not be culpable,
may be pardonable, may be forgive-able,
but it doesn't mean that I still need to put up with them.
I ain't meant to suffer all my life.
So to keep my heart clean, I ain't going to fill it with hatred for you.
I forgive you. I give freedom to your wings.
But I won't accompany you in the flight.
I ain't so weak,
that I can't find my way through the clouds.
I know how to fly, and I know my own way in the sky.
I ain't so weak.

When someone goes away

If you're sitting and still wondering,

"What went wrong?"

I'm with you, I wonder the same. 

If you're still thinking,

That you could've done more and taken the blame,

Lay back and relax, I feel the same.

If your heart is in pieces - millions too,

If the pain in your head is making you insane.

Forgive yourself, I am doing the same.

Are you figuring out and connecting the dots?

Thinking of songs, places and names?!

Take my hints, I'm learning the same.

Are you searching your mind for memories - 

To only find empty photo frames?

Make some new, I'm creating the same.

Are you still asking - 

If you were good enough for the game?

Trust me, you're the best, I'm trusting the same.

And if you ask me, the feeling is so old.

The moral of the story is long gone.

All that is left is you.

Love yourself, and move on.

Alive

Sitting back.

Pale Walls.

Rise and falls.

So much I've won.

So much more that I've not done.

Sitting back.

Fingers crossed.

What did I gain?

What was lost?

Will it ever have a rebirth?

Or was it too a leaf in the sky?

Falling down, dying in earth?

Did it mean, anything at all?

How long is the journey?

How long is it gonna be?

Change is a child playing.

Reality is an old saying.

Belief is dying, ideas deprive.

Hope is still alive.

Hope is still alive.

No moon to hold

A dream you watch and make it happen,

Takes everything you have and leaves you barren.

Memories, true, but for how long?

Tomorrow is singing, and it's a sad song.

Not what was expected, not what was told.

I wish I had some stars to look at, 

I wish I had a moon to hold.

So this is how it ends?

Couple of notes, couple of beers,

Couple of hopes, a lot of fears,

A journey of people on the same route,

You end up helpless in the end, barefoot.

I wish its more, I wish I feel it soon.

For now there are no stars, there is no moon.

Oh Dear!

Oh dear God! You’re so handsome,

I feel like taking you to a circus for some fun.

Your eyes are like my whole world at a place,

I feel like wrapping you up and sending you to space.

Your lips are like a sugar coated chocolate cake,

I think I’ll put you in a hot oven, allow you to bake.

You’re so incredible – you should be at the cover page of a vogue,

I feel like cutting you up and feeding you to my dog.

Your walk is so manly; you make the world want you,

I want to take you to a corner and beat you up with a shoe.

Your face is sunshine; you’re the best pick,

I think it makes me all feverish and sick.

You’re oh-so-unique; your kind is a few,

I wish I could kill you now, cuz the world’s better off without you.

Just this night

No reason.

None sought.

Faces in masks,

It’s a cry in the dark

Stay close to me

Just this night

It’s a festival here

Of dreams and assassinations

Dipped in your color

I want to pass this

I want to make this real

It has happened yet again

Listen to those words

They’ll tell you my story

If you hold my arm for threads of trust

And reveal all questions

I might just live

In your shadow tonight

Just this night.

Success and what not!

When one comes to think of it, what really is being successful?

Being in the last year of college, worries and fears are crawling up and making me realize that the real world awaits. A series of What ifs bar my mind whenever I think of the future. I guess the prodigy of 'Follow your dreams' is somehow overrated, though I am a keen believer I do not know if I can do the same.

Hell, how can I, when I still haven't concluded on the avid topic of What exactly is it that would make me happy!  I somewhat lack a dream right now. Although I have other dreams, related to the work I do, which is mostly AIESEC, to establish the fact that I am good at what I do. But what exactly is it that I wanna do?

Last night was a reminiscence into the past. Again. Though it is so painful that I hate going there. The direction in which my life is steering right now feels okay. I feel okay. Not happy, not too sad. Okay.


How much more could I take? I have no answer. Like my best friend said, how much more can life push me? And more importantly, till what limit will I fall and rise?

Its good to fight. Its good to stand alone. Its good to see people thinking, wow, she's strong like a rock. But somehow I wonder, being strong has lead the world around me to believe that nothing can shake me down. I am afraid that a breeze could shatter me right away. But.

Yes, the admission that I am going to need someone is pretty obvious and frequent these days.
But.

Land me somewhere where I am happy, a prayer, as always. Enough.

Weird things they are.

Take you back to the time where you belong,

Some cried, some laughed.

Some just were there to walk along,

Some moments that bring tears to your eyes,

Some moments that tickle you, like a feather,

Written words of smiles and friendships,

Or unspoken promises of tomorrow,

Now you  turn back and see.

It was never meant to be.

A mother's smile, a father's wit.

A sister's hug, a lover's split.

But most valuable of all above,

Pictures, bring back people you love.

Black and white, or splashes of red.

Remind you of the things unsaid.

Of people and feelings that die never,

A picture is a memory forever.

Life, that bitch.

Life, that bitch.

The stolen smile that lives for a day

Secret woes, some hidden pain,

The numb feeling, a cruel itch

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Eerie as darkest, sinister night,

Fake as the moon in the sky

Frail as the Caesar who was ditched

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Happy colors, shiny names

Passing pleasures to play the game

One day beggar, next day rich

But it never stops, Life, that bitch.

Death is ugly, but death is true

Life is vague, life is blue

Baffles your mind, the bloody witch

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Hide the scars, live insane

Time you lose, moments you gain

All the wounds get them stitched.

Because it never stops, Life, that bitch.

My angel.

When we used to watch TV,

When we used to snuggle up,

When we used to gossip,

And when we did makeup.

When we used to go for drives

And ate all the world’s junk,

When we used to shop,

When we used to raid your trunks!

When we went for the movies,

And you always cursed me –

“You always take me to worst ones!”

I used to just smile and be.

When you used to get all stylish

Ad jazzy for a party

Your darkest, matt lipstick,

Such beauty, so hearty!

When you used to cook!

People would bite their hands!

When you sang in that sugar tone,

And oh! The way you danced!!!

And If I can ever forget,

Those long chats on the phone,

I would have kept each of them,

If only I knew you’d be gone.

I miss you a lot!

A lot which cannot be said,

I miss your laughter, your winks,

The kisses, the hugs, your obsession with red!

I have loved no one more.

I never can, never will.

You’re always, always around me.

Each corner of my heart – you fill.

I’d give all, all I have!

To hold your delicate hand,

To kiss hard on your cheek,

To bring you back to the land!

But you’re up there high, aren’t you?

Gossiping with them angels, I guess?

When I want you out here with me,

To show me my light, to clear up the mess.

I love you, again I say,

I miss you baby, I miss you sweet love,

You’re being away, kills a part of me each day,

And when I’m asking this –

I’m being as genuine as I could be,

Tell that angel to send mine back to me!

Yes, I am the chosen one.

“The moment in your life, that moment which is meant to be the door to your change, that very moment when you’ve got to give up or give in, I gave in, I smiled at it, and it changed my life.”

So there’s no better way to start this. I’m back from NLDS 2010 and I realized that when I didn’t wake up to the banging of plates in the morning. It’s sad, and it’s so sad that I cannot define it. When I first stepped into AIESEC, I had a feeling that something in my life is going to change. But after NLDS 2010, my life itself changed.

So what’s so special about it? What’s not? I met people from 19 different cities, people with different cultures, outlooks and perceptions. I met nine individuals – nine great people who have an aura of amaze around them. I think they’re the most influential people I have ever met. I met people of my local committee and observed what differs and what’s alike amongst us. I met a person who has changed so much after this organization happened in his life that it is impossible to believe. I met renowned people from the corporate and NGO world that I wouldn’t have even dreamt of meeting. I met a few internationals and learnt what they thought about my country. I came to know about the greatness of my local committee.

And what did I learn? Oh, there’s loads of stuff! I learned the art of not sleeping, not eating, not sulking, not getting bored, not getting tired, not getting discouraged. I learned the quality of concentrating, actually listening to people, being humble, interacting, sharing, following and leading. Yes, AIESEC teaches you both. You learn to follow the people who can lead you and you learn to lead the people willing to follow you.

If there’s one thing I couldn’t learn, it was how to get over it. I mean my NLDS-2010 depression is not going to go for a long time now. But again, I have better opportunities to look forward to. When the last time I met the MC, I was a new recruit who had no idea about anything. Now I want to meet them as an individual AIESECer who has done something, contributed something for the progress of the organization she has fallen in love with.

Lastly, I had fun. I had fun every moment of the day. I don’t know where the MC people or the OC people Or the Facilitators get this from, but they were able to make us laugh whenever they wanted. They were able to wake us up and that was a tough job. With their spontaneity and their extremely amazing sense of humor (esp. Mr. Manveer Grewal’s), they were able to make us sigh in awe of them. All in all, they knew how to have fun and taught us the same.

I miss everything. I miss having more than 500 people around me. I miss the plenary. I miss the smiles. I miss the jokes. I miss the sessions (esp. the ‘I’ session :P). I miss the randomness. I miss the jives (OMG, how could I forget about them!). I miss the incredible roll-calls. I miss the weary eyes and the pathetic food.

I can see how gelled up we were last night during the time when candles were lit and huddles were made. But for now, I have better things to look at and the best things to remember.

-Aanchal Gupta

A proud member of AIESEC Jaipur, AIESEC India, AIESEC International.

I have a me... to be!

I have a word to say,

A tear to cry, a pray to pray.

I have a thing to hide,

A fleck of jealous, a grain of pride.

I have a smile to share,

A moment of ecstasy, a knowledge of rare.

I have a sigh to show,

Of a numb pain, of a silent woe.

I have a feeling to veil,

A walk in the rain, the horror of fail.

I have a secret to spree,

I cry in the crowd and no one can see.

An exclusive work of art.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

By Mary Elizabeth Frye.

I want to live to tell the tale.

             

A survivor willing to cope,

Clinging to the shredded bits of dying hope,

I see snakes on apple trees,

On beds of roses - stinging bees,

Still holding on to the doubt,

Melting inside and out,

Scorching sun on the head,

Looking onto the moon instead,

Nowhere to find the times of smiles,

A speech of despair and of strange exiles.

Where do I find - love, peace and moments to cherish?

Where do I find –a stack of orchids and ways to flourish?

I feel I have come a way too long.

I feel that I have lost all my songs.

But I’m still clinging to the dying dime-

Of hope and love and of happy times.

For I don’t want to be known as the one who failed,

And I want to live to tell my survival tale.

How things change.

Alive and frantic;
Only watching rainbows through purple eyes.
In love with love and colors of heart.
The world being an oyster,
A hundred miles away from dismay.
No questions, all answers-
All friends no foe.
A destiny to be followed,
Like the hands of God upon us.

Things change.

Love is no longer red.
It's all pain, you see.
All rainbows gave away to the piercing sun.
Still black, still hollow.
No angel to pat on the back,
No friend to chat about the green days.
Fake wind chimes of happy times.

How things change!

Beware, there is a tomorrow.
Scarlet is not afar from black.
God loves all, not equally though.
People will become yours, again, and leave.
You see, its unstable,
The equation of life,
A talking parrot, the uphills of destiny,
You never know whether it's lying.
But if you have sunken in the pail of dark,
It's only good for you to know,

Things change.

The bruises on my knee.

No matter what you see.

What you mean and what you be.

No matter how wrong you make me.

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

No matter how the times flee.

What they think and what they agree.

No matter how many 'Wes' there are or how many 'she's'.

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

No matter how you put the fake smiles for me.

What you do to hurt and how you set me free.

No matter how much pain you guarantee,

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

No matter you can take my smile and my glee,

Lock up my spirit and throw the key,

You wont be able to take back your touch and my plea.

I'll still be the one with bruises on my knee.

Why?

Why do I feel this way?

The dreams of passion and of good times,

Why do they seem so intense?

The times in the past when I laughed my heart,

Why doesn’t it make any sense?

My belief and my longings,

My grief and my belongings,

It has started to feel so small,

Things that I thought could change my life,

Have rather no effect at all,

My people are there or not there

No more does it matter to me?

As long as I am breathing,

As long as I am free.

I could cry a thousands Niles

Or I could laugh a hundred rainbows

Or I could just keep quiet for my own sake

And watch the world.

For it makes sense, this humankind,

Follow the strong, trample the frail,

Rejoice the win, condemn the fail,

Walk away from sorrow and pain,

For it is nothing new that is happening to you,

The great is in rising up and shining again!

Valentine

[A small lovely song by Kina]

Love, it’s a special day
We should celebrate and appreciate
That you and me found something pretty neat
And I know some say this day is arbitrary

But it’s a good excuse to put our love to use
Baby, I know what to do
Baby, I will love you
I’ll love you, I’ll love you

Love, I don’t need those things
I don’t need no ring
I don’t need anything
But you with me
‘Cause in your company
I feel happy, oh so happy and complete

And it’s a good excuse to put our love to use
Baby, I know what to do
Baby, I will love you
I’ll love you, I’ll love you

So won’t you be my honey bee?
Giving me kisses all the time
Be mine, be my Valentine

So won’t you be my honey bee?
Giving sweet kisses all the time
Be mine, be my Valentine!

Borrowed love.

Tonight I see no light,
Tonight is the night of sheer despair.
You know I've been walking through this tunnel
Since a long time now, through thin, cold air.

I see no path my feet can take.
I see no hands to guide, I see no friend.
I see no love, no sight of lush.
Now that my struggle has come to an end.

I see only dark, sorry and pain.
Tonight I ask you to lend me your eye,
Tonight I ask you to hold my hand,
To take me in your arms, and ask me to cry.

Be my knight, salt away me from my doom,
Give me some love, show me some care,
Embrace me in your arms and say-
"Baby, life's not been fair."

The things you did.

To the best mother in the whole world.. you hold my heart forever..

I don't know where to start from. Why? I have no idea. I have no idea about everything these days. And I don't have ears enough, or, nears enough. I remember images of you. Working in the kitchen, oiling my hair, making me study, scolding me, hugging me, kissing me, singing me to sleep, taking me places and what not!

It's terrible, ma. Life without you. Im just running away from the reality. Sometimes I pretend this is all a dream, and the moment i open my eyes, I'll find you sitting there in your room waiting for me to wake up. I miss your odor ma. I miss your voice. I miss those windy nights when tamarind branches would strike our windows. I miss your judgment, ma. The way you made me wear things you liked and I hated. The way you made me independent.

Why didn't you teach me how to live without you? Why didn't you ask me to take all the responsibilities and grow up before age? Whose fault is it that I am no good anymore? That I cant take it?

And why the heck did you love me so much? Why couldn't you just send me to a darn hostel and never ask me to come back?
Why were you so proud of me, ma? Why did you appreciate me so much? Why did you admire every little worthless thing I did? Why did you tell the world how responsible and able I was?

I loved the way you teased me. I loved the way you asked me if I had a boyfriend. I loved the way you asked me if I was going out on a date.

It's not fair that I face it all alone. It's not fair. I hate you mom. I hate you for making me do this. I hate you for leaving me alone. I hate you for making me grow up. I hate you for taking away all the happiness from my life.

And I hate you for making me realise what you meant to me. That I can never be happy the way I was.

Ive seen you die, baby. Ive seen you going ill. Ive seen the fear in your eyes. Ive seen your spirit fading, your strength smoothing. Nothing more in life can bother me more. Still, every time
I looked at you, I prayed to God that all I want in life is to see your face every morning and night. I have no idea how I'd spend my life. Whether I'd fulfill your expectations or not. Whether I'd make up to your standards or not.

People say I resemble you. I know I don't. I cannot be even half of the fine of a lady that you were. There were so many things you were doing to teach me ma, wheres the deal?

I cannot say stuff. I cannot speak to people. I cannot tell what I'm going through. How you cared, sweety! How you knew I had a problem!

All I want from you is to come in my dreams every night. Or.