It’s time again.

And this time it is not just about a question, or a life, or a heart-wrecking ballad that make your lips twist in a pitiful smile. This time it is about ‘I’. A glorified, cherished, celebrated and loved ‘I’.

I often tell people that when I write, there’s always a force behind it. It may be an emotion which is starting to take toll over me and hence I need to pull it off my back. Or it may be a significant incident of my life that has left me shaken. Over the time, i had brought myself to think that these are the only times when I could write.

Yes, it’s heartbreak. Over what, makes no significance whatsoever. The ‘why’ part of it, however, holds essential importance.

I do not write this one for any other soul who might encounter it, read through the boring parts, does not even understand it, but makes a judgement and moves on. 

I love myself and still do not give as much credit to myself as I should be. I like taking the blame. I love the drama life brings with her. At the same time, I love fretting about it. I am highly talented. I am capable of doing and managing things half of you wouldn’t even dream of doing all your life. And I can do all of that effortlessly. My capability, and here is my second admission, comes from the fact that I am a fine worker, giving fine results and I don’t even have to put any efforts. It does, of course, backfire at times. 

So, my point is, I work smart. I know stuff. I am creative. I am highly friendly. I like attention though I hide like a doe if the spot-light’s right on me. I love being possessive. My rule is – if I see it first, it is mine. It belongs to me. Also, my ideal day would be when I can see all parts of Harry potter back to back in a single day. Would be better if I got the time to read the books instead!

And because now I am tired, I am going to finish this quickly. I know people get jealous of me. I would be too if they had what I have. I have a smile. It comes to me the moment I call for it. It is the most powerful weapon in the world. I have smiled at the point-blank, darkest moments of my life and trust me, it’s a talent of few. I can go to limitless extents if it comes to saving that smile of mine.

So this is the nano-percent of me. One day, when I become what God commands, I will discover the whole of it. For now, I’ll be happy with just gloating about ‘I’, ‘me’, ‘myself’.

For someone, written long back.

A moment is all that it takes, to make someone adhere to you, and cling to him likewise. You ask me at times- what makes me want you. I don't have an answer. Rather I'd explain my act as the need to drench my thirst. My thirst of belonging to someone who needs no explanation as to why I am the way I am. It wouldn't possibly make me happy If I drive myself to love you or contrariwise, since love has got it's own convolutions and complexities. I like the way we are, simple, yet prenominal. In love, yet not in love. Otiose yet valuable. If I cannot promise to Love you all my life, I can surely promise not to forget you.


9th of February 2009

Born again

Along the purple lines of the sky,

My wishes hide, my dreams lie.

Beneath the sparkle of the sea,

My hope is captured, my soul is free.

Within the circle of the silver dew,

My smile conceals, my promises stay true.

On the swan’s shiny wings

My feelings drift, my love springs.

In the wrinkles of the old tree,

My wisdom grows and my thoughts spree.

In the secret whispers of the rain,

I become alive, I am born again.

16/9/11

Anew

No, it doesn’t seem like yesterday at all,

Because every moment has counted since the day of your depart

No I’m no more scared to say that you’re dead,

And no, I’m still not on the verge of the overrated new start.

They ask me where were my tears and worry,

I tell them they dried in the winds of February

They ask me why I was so shameless

I said just ‘cuz it never feels painless.

For it’s been days and each day reminds me more

Of how much you were needed and wanted still.

My soul is matt dark with the deepest hole

An empty space no one can fill.

Still I’ve been trying and I’ve been trying so hard

To fit in the red, pink and blue in the vacant part.

It just won’t work anymore ma!

There’s always a fist clenching my heart.

It’s just that people say it goes with time and around.

What they don’t know is that the secret evil is here to stay.

It’s not the pain that is slowing down

It’s the memories that are fading away.

Sucker for love

Sucker.

Sucker for love.

For that warm feeling beneath the stomach. For that feeling that you get when you’re on a giant wheel. For that envelope that protects you from the world. I mean how can a person fall back into those treachery traps again! Fool me once, fool me twice, fool me nice.

I do not understand the urge to get back to being dependant on someone. I do not get it why it is so important to have the tears and the drama and the promises come back to my life. Why is it that while the world moves on, I still love how the past was!

Its worse when you know it isn’t right. I mean I’ve made my mistakes. I know now. Things that can build a relationship easily at the start are the reasons why they fall back down.  I just do not get it! Why would I still be searching for a perfect opportunity of making a fool out of myself, yet again! Why can I not learn from mistakes, mine and others’? I think I’ve seen quite enough to decide that letting someone own you is not worth it. Then why do I still want it? Why do I still want to be held and told that I am their belonging? That I am the center of their world and that they care.

I think it’s just because of some simple reasons. We all are suckers for love. We all find ways to quench our thirst of being needed, being wanted. Some succumb to the mishap of that thing called love. Some find relief in certain other ways, like being the best at your work makes people admire you. Or like having dog, who loves you, unconditionally. Or having a huge group of friends who think you’re super cool or a virtual community online, where you feel like you’re at home.

I think I’ve tried them all, well, except for having the dog. I think it might be the answer to my search of filling the empty spaces in my life. I’m not too sure whether I have turned into a maniac already or if there’s still hope for me.

All I really know is, I am out of a miserable relationship, ready to enter into one. And this time, I’m not going to try to find the right one. I’m just going to not be in a relationship for as much time as possible. I’m not going to succumb to the innumerous perks a relationship offers – insecurities, misunderstandings, restrictions, loyalty and what not!

Ah, who the hell am I kidding! I love it all. I love it how it feels when you’re sharing your life with someone. I think it gives a lot of life to my life. I love the attention. I love taking care of someone. I love it when pretty dates happen with pretty drives. And don’t you just love the way it feels when you kiss someone you love. I think there’s nothing in the world that can be a better thing.

Guess, I’m just a sucker for love.

Getting by!

It’s time I let go.
It’s time I see the end of my pain
You’ve made your mistakes
 Over and over again
You’ve made a fool
Out of us and what we shared
For the things you’ve done
I found a remedy which is only fair.
I’ve decided to forgive you
I’ve decided to move on
I’ve decided you’re not worth it
I’m sending you back to the world you belong.
I gave you all I could
And I took none
You don’t think I always knew
That I was always better that you?
But I let you be
The most important thing to me
And now I’m dropping you
For you’ve fallen down
To be a person I could never expect
Long ago, you’d lost my love
This time, you lost the respect.

Ruchika Pandya

I ain't so weak.
I ain't need to go back to someone who clearly lied.
For no reason stands tall enough to make a lie, a betrayal, reasonable.
I need you for life maybe, But I need you with honesty.
A man who falls in the trap of lies,
a man who knows your weaknesses right
a man who excels at taking the true resort to tricks,
can improve, can become truthful, if he wills to,
but is still sitting at the cusp of deceit at all times.
I ain't meant to deserve deceit.
He may or may not be true again,
but the benefit of the doubt belongs to the true heart.
It comes not with hidden motives.
Its man who makes mistakes.
Its a stronger man to own them up,
and these thoughts haven't ever been strangers to me.
Yet how can giving chances to a man,
whose entire foundation lies on mistakes be reasoned and expected?
A man whose every effort,
knowingly or unknowingly, goes for wrong,
cannot hold the torch for me.
I ain't that blind.
Sometimes, more than him,
I try to explain myself his mistakes.
Why? I ain't that foolish.
His mistakes may be not be culpable,
may be pardonable, may be forgive-able,
but it doesn't mean that I still need to put up with them.
I ain't meant to suffer all my life.
So to keep my heart clean, I ain't going to fill it with hatred for you.
I forgive you. I give freedom to your wings.
But I won't accompany you in the flight.
I ain't so weak,
that I can't find my way through the clouds.
I know how to fly, and I know my own way in the sky.
I ain't so weak.

When someone goes away

If you're sitting and still wondering,

"What went wrong?"

I'm with you, I wonder the same. 

If you're still thinking,

That you could've done more and taken the blame,

Lay back and relax, I feel the same.

If your heart is in pieces - millions too,

If the pain in your head is making you insane.

Forgive yourself, I am doing the same.

Are you figuring out and connecting the dots?

Thinking of songs, places and names?!

Take my hints, I'm learning the same.

Are you searching your mind for memories - 

To only find empty photo frames?

Make some new, I'm creating the same.

Are you still asking - 

If you were good enough for the game?

Trust me, you're the best, I'm trusting the same.

And if you ask me, the feeling is so old.

The moral of the story is long gone.

All that is left is you.

Love yourself, and move on.

Alive

Sitting back.

Pale Walls.

Rise and falls.

So much I've won.

So much more that I've not done.

Sitting back.

Fingers crossed.

What did I gain?

What was lost?

Will it ever have a rebirth?

Or was it too a leaf in the sky?

Falling down, dying in earth?

Did it mean, anything at all?

How long is the journey?

How long is it gonna be?

Change is a child playing.

Reality is an old saying.

Belief is dying, ideas deprive.

Hope is still alive.

Hope is still alive.

No moon to hold

A dream you watch and make it happen,

Takes everything you have and leaves you barren.

Memories, true, but for how long?

Tomorrow is singing, and it's a sad song.

Not what was expected, not what was told.

I wish I had some stars to look at, 

I wish I had a moon to hold.

So this is how it ends?

Couple of notes, couple of beers,

Couple of hopes, a lot of fears,

A journey of people on the same route,

You end up helpless in the end, barefoot.

I wish its more, I wish I feel it soon.

For now there are no stars, there is no moon.

Oh Dear!

Oh dear God! You’re so handsome,

I feel like taking you to a circus for some fun.

Your eyes are like my whole world at a place,

I feel like wrapping you up and sending you to space.

Your lips are like a sugar coated chocolate cake,

I think I’ll put you in a hot oven, allow you to bake.

You’re so incredible – you should be at the cover page of a vogue,

I feel like cutting you up and feeding you to my dog.

Your walk is so manly; you make the world want you,

I want to take you to a corner and beat you up with a shoe.

Your face is sunshine; you’re the best pick,

I think it makes me all feverish and sick.

You’re oh-so-unique; your kind is a few,

I wish I could kill you now, cuz the world’s better off without you.

Just this night

No reason.

None sought.

Faces in masks,

It’s a cry in the dark

Stay close to me

Just this night

It’s a festival here

Of dreams and assassinations

Dipped in your color

I want to pass this

I want to make this real

It has happened yet again

Listen to those words

They’ll tell you my story

If you hold my arm for threads of trust

And reveal all questions

I might just live

In your shadow tonight

Just this night.

Success and what not!

When one comes to think of it, what really is being successful?

Being in the last year of college, worries and fears are crawling up and making me realize that the real world awaits. A series of What ifs bar my mind whenever I think of the future. I guess the prodigy of 'Follow your dreams' is somehow overrated, though I am a keen believer I do not know if I can do the same.

Hell, how can I, when I still haven't concluded on the avid topic of What exactly is it that would make me happy!  I somewhat lack a dream right now. Although I have other dreams, related to the work I do, which is mostly AIESEC, to establish the fact that I am good at what I do. But what exactly is it that I wanna do?

Last night was a reminiscence into the past. Again. Though it is so painful that I hate going there. The direction in which my life is steering right now feels okay. I feel okay. Not happy, not too sad. Okay.


How much more could I take? I have no answer. Like my best friend said, how much more can life push me? And more importantly, till what limit will I fall and rise?

Its good to fight. Its good to stand alone. Its good to see people thinking, wow, she's strong like a rock. But somehow I wonder, being strong has lead the world around me to believe that nothing can shake me down. I am afraid that a breeze could shatter me right away. But.

Yes, the admission that I am going to need someone is pretty obvious and frequent these days.
But.

Land me somewhere where I am happy, a prayer, as always. Enough.

Weird things they are.

Take you back to the time where you belong,

Some cried, some laughed.

Some just were there to walk along,

Some moments that bring tears to your eyes,

Some moments that tickle you, like a feather,

Written words of smiles and friendships,

Or unspoken promises of tomorrow,

Now you  turn back and see.

It was never meant to be.

A mother's smile, a father's wit.

A sister's hug, a lover's split.

But most valuable of all above,

Pictures, bring back people you love.

Black and white, or splashes of red.

Remind you of the things unsaid.

Of people and feelings that die never,

A picture is a memory forever.

Life, that bitch.

Life, that bitch.

The stolen smile that lives for a day

Secret woes, some hidden pain,

The numb feeling, a cruel itch

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Eerie as darkest, sinister night,

Fake as the moon in the sky

Frail as the Caesar who was ditched

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Happy colors, shiny names

Passing pleasures to play the game

One day beggar, next day rich

But it never stops, Life, that bitch.

Death is ugly, but death is true

Life is vague, life is blue

Baffles your mind, the bloody witch

It never stops, Life, that bitch.

Hide the scars, live insane

Time you lose, moments you gain

All the wounds get them stitched.

Because it never stops, Life, that bitch.

My angel.

When we used to watch TV,

When we used to snuggle up,

When we used to gossip,

And when we did makeup.

When we used to go for drives

And ate all the world’s junk,

When we used to shop,

When we used to raid your trunks!

When we went for the movies,

And you always cursed me –

“You always take me to worst ones!”

I used to just smile and be.

When you used to get all stylish

Ad jazzy for a party

Your darkest, matt lipstick,

Such beauty, so hearty!

When you used to cook!

People would bite their hands!

When you sang in that sugar tone,

And oh! The way you danced!!!

And If I can ever forget,

Those long chats on the phone,

I would have kept each of them,

If only I knew you’d be gone.

I miss you a lot!

A lot which cannot be said,

I miss your laughter, your winks,

The kisses, the hugs, your obsession with red!

I have loved no one more.

I never can, never will.

You’re always, always around me.

Each corner of my heart – you fill.

I’d give all, all I have!

To hold your delicate hand,

To kiss hard on your cheek,

To bring you back to the land!

But you’re up there high, aren’t you?

Gossiping with them angels, I guess?

When I want you out here with me,

To show me my light, to clear up the mess.

I love you, again I say,

I miss you baby, I miss you sweet love,

You’re being away, kills a part of me each day,

And when I’m asking this –

I’m being as genuine as I could be,

Tell that angel to send mine back to me!

Yes, I am the chosen one.

“The moment in your life, that moment which is meant to be the door to your change, that very moment when you’ve got to give up or give in, I gave in, I smiled at it, and it changed my life.”

So there’s no better way to start this. I’m back from NLDS 2010 and I realized that when I didn’t wake up to the banging of plates in the morning. It’s sad, and it’s so sad that I cannot define it. When I first stepped into AIESEC, I had a feeling that something in my life is going to change. But after NLDS 2010, my life itself changed.

So what’s so special about it? What’s not? I met people from 19 different cities, people with different cultures, outlooks and perceptions. I met nine individuals – nine great people who have an aura of amaze around them. I think they’re the most influential people I have ever met. I met people of my local committee and observed what differs and what’s alike amongst us. I met a person who has changed so much after this organization happened in his life that it is impossible to believe. I met renowned people from the corporate and NGO world that I wouldn’t have even dreamt of meeting. I met a few internationals and learnt what they thought about my country. I came to know about the greatness of my local committee.

And what did I learn? Oh, there’s loads of stuff! I learned the art of not sleeping, not eating, not sulking, not getting bored, not getting tired, not getting discouraged. I learned the quality of concentrating, actually listening to people, being humble, interacting, sharing, following and leading. Yes, AIESEC teaches you both. You learn to follow the people who can lead you and you learn to lead the people willing to follow you.

If there’s one thing I couldn’t learn, it was how to get over it. I mean my NLDS-2010 depression is not going to go for a long time now. But again, I have better opportunities to look forward to. When the last time I met the MC, I was a new recruit who had no idea about anything. Now I want to meet them as an individual AIESECer who has done something, contributed something for the progress of the organization she has fallen in love with.

Lastly, I had fun. I had fun every moment of the day. I don’t know where the MC people or the OC people Or the Facilitators get this from, but they were able to make us laugh whenever they wanted. They were able to wake us up and that was a tough job. With their spontaneity and their extremely amazing sense of humor (esp. Mr. Manveer Grewal’s), they were able to make us sigh in awe of them. All in all, they knew how to have fun and taught us the same.

I miss everything. I miss having more than 500 people around me. I miss the plenary. I miss the smiles. I miss the jokes. I miss the sessions (esp. the ‘I’ session :P). I miss the randomness. I miss the jives (OMG, how could I forget about them!). I miss the incredible roll-calls. I miss the weary eyes and the pathetic food.

I can see how gelled up we were last night during the time when candles were lit and huddles were made. But for now, I have better things to look at and the best things to remember.

-Aanchal Gupta

A proud member of AIESEC Jaipur, AIESEC India, AIESEC International.

I have a me... to be!

I have a word to say,

A tear to cry, a pray to pray.

I have a thing to hide,

A fleck of jealous, a grain of pride.

I have a smile to share,

A moment of ecstasy, a knowledge of rare.

I have a sigh to show,

Of a numb pain, of a silent woe.

I have a feeling to veil,

A walk in the rain, the horror of fail.

I have a secret to spree,

I cry in the crowd and no one can see.

An exclusive work of art.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

By Mary Elizabeth Frye.

I want to live to tell the tale.

             

A survivor willing to cope,

Clinging to the shredded bits of dying hope,

I see snakes on apple trees,

On beds of roses - stinging bees,

Still holding on to the doubt,

Melting inside and out,

Scorching sun on the head,

Looking onto the moon instead,

Nowhere to find the times of smiles,

A speech of despair and of strange exiles.

Where do I find - love, peace and moments to cherish?

Where do I find –a stack of orchids and ways to flourish?

I feel I have come a way too long.

I feel that I have lost all my songs.

But I’m still clinging to the dying dime-

Of hope and love and of happy times.

For I don’t want to be known as the one who failed,

And I want to live to tell my survival tale.